First off let me say that my "back door" has never had it's hinges sprung and swung the other way. If you can imagine if a door had feelings, how uncomfortable this would be to the door - it was as well to me.
I'm not homophobic, but if God had meant for things to go in instead of out, he would have may the door a little looser.If you know how a colonic is done, then you are also aware that the "speculum" thing they "gently ease" into you is not that big. Only about as big around as an average index finger I would say. But fingers are kind of pointed and soft.
I've had the annual prostate exam, and it was just more of a "surprise!" feeling than uncomfortable. Plus, the doc only has his finger up there for a very short period as compared to the length of time this speculum thing makes it's home in your ass. Well, unless you have a doctor like my last exam doc who decided to give me a doctorate-like verbal thesis on the prostate and proceeded to use his inserted finger like a kid poking a turtle with a stick - pointing out what this lobe is, and that lobe. And why, if it were enlarged, it would put pressure here, and here, etc., etc., etc. Interesting maybe, interesting when you are the anatomically correct dummy... not so much.
Anyway, by the time I was 20 minutes into this procedure, I felt my sphincter cells merging with the plastic speculum. Yes, they were becoming one. I then envisioned myself having to design new cloths, furniture, etc., in order to accommodate this 4" plastic/flesh tube extending from my ass.
At some point I realized that the lady performing the procedure appeared to be having fun. So I asked her, "are you enjoying this?" She replied that she gets a certain feeling of satisfaction when she knows that she has "broken through" to blockages that caused me to be here. She said she knows that I'm going to start feeling better because she has been able to open me up. So now apparently, my body will be able process pre-poop (somewhere between Food and poop) as God intended.
So after about 45 minutes of this repeated fill and drain process she tells me she's done. I was somewhat relieved until I realized she was tugging at this tube that had merged with my anus like some sort of Jeff Goldblum experience in The Fly.
"Oh my God", she's pulling on it, trying to separate it from my body. Imagine ripping your tongue from the frozen metal pole.
Other visions entered my mind like the time when I was just a kid, I saw our neighbor beating two dogs with a broomstick, that were for some reason hooked together and facing opposite directions. They screamed and howled and one began to run, dragging the other on the ground howling and screaming behind. Of course, a few years later I learned what it was that happened, and wondered if I was ever gonna get stuck like that. Well little did I know that I would, only not in as pleasurable a circumstance.
So now it's the following day, and I have to admit, after all the uncomfortable feelings and the embarrassment and the loss of my virginity and the loss of my conjoined plastic ass-tube, I feel good! - lighter, less bulky and bloated, my pants were looser and I have an excessive amount of gas that seems never ending. It's a good thing I work at home.
So the Colon Nazi tells me I will probably need 3 or 4 or these to get me totally cleaned out and then a maintenance colonic once a month or so. I'll let you know how that goes.....
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